Business For Sale Classified Ads a Humorous Take on The True Meaning

Business For Sale Classified Ads and Their True Meaning. A Humorous Take.

 

Business For Sale Classified Ads. Advertising Puffery that can make a buyers dream turn into a nightmare.
pufferyAlmost every Sunday, I read the classified ads in a number of papers instead of the comics. I guess you could call it my twisted way of getting a chuckle – but it never ceases to amaze amuse me when it comes to classified ads.

By far, the most entertaining are business opportunities and businesses for sale, and over time, I have copied down some of the most creative and then added my translation to them.

A Comical Translation to “Business For Sale Classified Ads” and “Business Opportunity” Ads

If you’re in the market to buy a business, you might enjoy the translations I put together while reading the advertising.

WARNING ….. You should not be drinking any liquids while reading this because you run the risk of spitting the liquid out of your mouth and all over whatever you are reading it on. Laptop keyboards are extremely susceptible to liquid.

Besides a few chuckles, the translations might very well save your ass-ets too.

HOW MANY WAYS ARE THERE POSSIBLE TO CAMOUFLAGE A LOUSY BUSINESS?

Below are the headlines – please leave a comment on the bottom with feedback – I would appreciate hearing from you.

 

“Multi-Billion Dollar Industry” translates into field saturated with competitors.

“Must Sell” is another way of saying: Looking for a greater fool.

“Call To See If You Qualify.” If you call, you’re qualified.

“Earn Huge Income Immediately.” Believe in the tooth fairy.

“Serious Buyers Only” Means don’t call if you expect answers to tough questions.

“Excellent History” suggests trouble around the corner.

“Well Maintained” or “Great Lifestyle” is another way of saying unprofitable.

“Make Your Own Hours” is work like a slave or starve.

“Excellent Opportunity” is a nice way to say assume our mess.

“Dream business” is a nightmare.

“Easy” means you and everyone else the promoter can sell will compete with each other.

“Illness Forces Sale” could be we’re sick of this lousy business— that’s why we don’t hire a manager to run it and send us the profits.

“Owner Moving, Anxious To Sell” means about to go out of business.

“Call For Details” equals call for sales pitch.

“Divorce Forces Sale” The business is so time consuming your spouse will want to divorce you too in a few months after buying this turkey.

“Absentee Owner” raises the question: If the owner doesn’t need to be there to make money, why is he selling?

“Premium locations!” Franchisors are selling concepts that they refuse to admit are not good enough for them to invest their own money.

“Priced To Sell” usually means not worth owning.

“Owner Makes $150K, Employs Wife and Kids” is better than “work is our only activity, business can’t afford to employ others.”

“Anxious To Sell” hints that it won’t be long and you will be anxious to sell too.

“Tavern: Fun Lifestyle” by an owner who is tired of being robbed, smelling beer breath and coping with thieving bartenders.

“As-Is Condition” invites the fool born today.

“Turnkey Business” might convey we can’t wait to lock the door behind

“Mature Company” has seen its best days.

“Built-in Clientele” should say we’ve got all the customers there are to get.

“Huge Value” = worthless.

“Will Pay For Itself In One Season” should come with its own warning label: “If not, you’ll lose money for the next nine months. Make sure you have lots of savings so you can get a second chance next year.”

“Established Business With Living Quarters” so you can work 24 hours a day, seven days a week.

“Distributors Wanted” suggests the territory too risky for us to staff.

“Low Rent” surely means terrible location.

“Growing Population” sounds better than we’re still not making any money.

“Liquidating All Assets” at exorbitant prices the pros won’t pay.

“Major Shopping Center Location” becomes landlord will lease to your competitors.

“Free Long Term Support” promises that the seller will treat you like @$#&!, so you don’t call again.

“Owner Financing” means the deal is too dumb for a bank or other source of capital to finance.

“Low Down Payment” almost always means the owner is thinking of shutting down but prefers to attract an unsuspecting buyer who will make payments until he too goes broke.

“Free video.” This is as good as it gets. Rent a movie, instead.

“Real Estate Included” means you don’t collect rent when your business can’t pay it.

“Fun Business.” Ask: If it’s so much fun, why are you selling? Maybe I’d prefer that kind of fun, too.

“50% profit” sounds good until you remember the best firms (i.e., Microsoft) don’t earn anywhere near this.

“Rated #1.” Thanks, mom.

“One of a kind.” You can say that, again.

“Relieve Stress.” Whose?

“Tired of Corporate Politics?” It’s your turn to try to manage our band of incompetent, demanding employees.

“No Selling.” Turn iron into gold.

“Tired of The 9-5 Grind?” Imagine working until dawn.

“Principals Only.” We don’t want to talk to your knowledgeable professional advisors, only whoever can write us a check.

“Realistic Top Dollar Income Potential.” Putting “realistic” and “potential” into the same sentence is like putting a cat and dog together in a dark closet.

“Short Hours” means there is not much demand for the company’s product.

“Millionaire’s Secret!” Run ads, sell pamphlet containing secret: Run ads, sell pamphlet…

“You Won’t Believe This Until You See It,” means you will not believe this when you see it.

“Riches From MLM.” How to lose all your friends and family and cause your significant other to sleep on the couch.

“Surround Yourself With Beautiful Women, Earn Thousands.” Okay, you got me there …… I’m curious.

Whew!

In closing, here is the best ad headline I have ever seen and have used myself. It out-performs all others by an average of a 10 to 1 margin.

“Profitable – Fair Price, Will Train New Owner”

 

What about you? Do you have any ad headline translations?

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Published with permission from © 1999-2006 Ted J. Leverette, The Original Business Buyer Advocate ®, partneroncall.com.

 

 

 

 

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The Business Buyer Agent – Big Corporate Secret Revealed

The Business Buyer Agent …. The Secret Big Corporations Have Used For Years –

The Buyer Agent is not something that started yesterday.
In fact, it has been around for more than 30 years. But the only ones who knew about it were big corporations who made huge purchases.Exclusive Business Buyer img

They knew they needed someone they could trust, who would research every available business opportunity to see if they were suitable for their needs, delve into values, markets and inventories to discover the real market value of a business, and then negotiate skillfully with the Seller or their Agent so they could get a “Fair & Reasonable” deal.

They Needed Their Own Representative That They Knew They Could Trust, That Would Have Their Best Interests At Heart, That Would Find The Right Opportunity At The Right Price Protect Their Interests 100% and Negotiate a “Fair & Reasonable” Purchase Opportunity.

Hence, The Birth of The Business Buyer Agent!

The only way to meet all these objectives was to employ their own Broker/Agent.
A big corporation could afford to hire their own full time Broker/Agent but up until the last 4 or 5 years the small business owner / buyer didn’t have that luxury.
Now – Today, you can have that same level of service at no extra expense! Take a tip from these corporations: Insist on having your own Broker/Agent to represent you!

There is a huge difference between an ordinary Business Broker/Agent who is has listings and acts as a Business Buyer Agent part time and a real, full time Business Buyer’s Agent who Does Not have listings, and is 100% committed to serving only Buyers.

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To learn more about how a Business Buyer Agent can help you, please feel free to Contact Me at your convenience. I will be happy to have a private and confidential conversation with you to discuss and explore possibilities.

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What an Exclusive Business Buyer Agent Will Do For You

What An Exclusive Business Buyer Agent Will Do For You

Information And Counseling

  • Explain the forms of agency available to you and explain how different relationships may affect the level and type of service a Buyer may receive from an agent.
  • Offer to enter into a written Agency Agreement with the Buyer. The agreement will include beginning and ending dates, fee structure and payment method, and the responsibilities of both parties.
  • Pledge absolute confidentiality to a Buyer when representing him/her.
  • Counsel the Buyer regarding his/her financial qualifications and assist the Buyer in finding and working with lenders, accountants, and other professionals as needed.

Searching For An Investment

  • Discuss preferences in size, areas, styles, age, and develop an investment profile.
  • Search the entire market, including the Multiple Listing Service (MLS), for sale by owners, and other avenues (where appropriate).

Contract Offer

  • Inform the Buyer about any defects or problems he/she has observed or discovered regarding the investment.
  • Prepare a comparative market analysis, to determine the property’s fair market value.
  • Explain the choices available in each section of an offer to purchase and explain the alternatives available to the Buyer.
  • Advise the Buyer to seek legal counsel where appropriate.
  • Prepare the offer to purchase in a manner which will protect the Buyers interest. Will provide proper disclosures regarding agency representation and any other matters as required by law.
  • Develop negotiation strategies with the Buyer, including pre-set limits on key points of negotiation when the Buyer wishes to do so.
  • Counsel the Buyer regarding the time requirements in the contract and encourage the Buyer to have professional inspectors inspect the subject investment if the contract is accepted.

After The Offer To Purchase Is Accepted

  • Will counsel the Buyer about inspections, and provide the names of professional inspectors. Will encourage the Buyer to be present during inspections.
  • Will explain options available to the Buyer regarding items in the inspection report.
  • Where appropriate, will notify the Seller or the Seller’s Agent in writing of inspectors’ findings and the Buyers choice of any options available to the Buyer.
  • Maintain contact with the closing company and lender(s) to insure that the Buyers interests are being protected at all times.
  • Will review the settlement statement with the Buyer at or before closing.
  • Will attend the closing with the Buyer and be prepared to answer questions the Buyer may have.
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